brain farts

So after this very stressful week at work, I'm now posting an entry that I think will be a pretty long one. You can stop reading it anytime along the way. Doesn't matter. Brain farts--that's what I'm doing right now...farting thoughts.

Anyway, I got home about an hour ago from the wake of Tita Susan, a good friend of my mom and the sister of Tito Dodjie--one of the members of Patatag (the singing group of my mom when she was in college in the 80s...they were composed of student activists who sang their hearts out singing about justice, nationalism, etc). I met Tita Susan last year while rehearsing for the reunion/fund-raising concert of Patatag for Tita Nonyx, another member who really needed help for her to be able to continue her dialysis treatment. Tita Susan's really nice. She's quite funny, and very smart too. I actually found out last year that she sang Babae Ka! I remembered singing that song in my junior year in high school. I think it was for an interlevel competition for the Linggo ng Wika. I couldn't believe that I was actually talking to the woman who sang that very powerful song. I loved the fact that she wasn't just the singer. Tita Susan embodied the song perfectly. She represented and still represents womanhood.

I cried yesterday when I found out Tita Susan passed away. She was already struggling with cancer, and I guess it really was time for her to go. It was a very painful thing to go through for her, so it's right that she's finally resting. It's been only three months since my grandfather died, and I feel like it's too soon for someone (who I know personally) to die. I haven't recovered from my lolo's passing, and I have yet to grieve. The grief is slowly creeping in on all of us here at home. My grandmother has been lethargic, and my mom actually told me she can feel that my lola's grieving has finally started.

People grieve differently, so each of us show it differently as well. My mom's more "showy". She and my lolo were really close, so we do see her cry from time to time. Things are better now, actually. There was a time that she would suddenly cry in public because something would remind her of Lolo Jake. My brother hasn't shown any kind of emotion about our lolo's death. I guess having gone through a near-death experience almost 3 years ago and seeing two of his friends die has changed him and his view on life and moving on after death. My lola has been wearing a lot of black-white combinations since my grandfather died. Most people know that my grandmother usually wears colorful clothes. The fact that she's been opting to wear white and/or black often is quite bothersome. Again, we grieve differently...As for me...well, I don't really want to go into the details. Let's just say the next two months will be quite interesting for me in terms of the grieving process.

It's hard to grieve when you're frustrated at work because of very demanding and difficult clients. Grief doesn't really hit you when you're busy planning so many things for the next few months. It doesn't make it's presence felt when you're trying your hardest to push it back to it's corner though you know you shouldn't fight it. God knows how desperate I am to cry and just get it over with. Am I asking too much? Am I being such an arrogant fool to think that rationalizing things would make me not grieve?

Now let's stop talking about grief...it's a bit of a downer, and I'm sorry for making you feel bad with what I've written. I haven't talked about this, so yeah..Brain farts. Anyway, my company (all SIXTEEN of us) are going to Subic tomorrow for the treetop adventure thingy. I'm expecting it to rain, so I'll be bringing my awesome wow-it's-going-to-snow-so-I'll-wear-this-jacket jacket. It's cream-colored, is made of non-absorbent material, and it has a hood. I wanted us just to have karaoke night at a nice karaoke bar here in the Metro, but since our expat Ben is leaving soon we might as well take him out of Manila.

Brain fart #3: the next couple of weeks I'll be "hating" myself for the fact that I've gained weight since I started working. People's comments about how I seem to be looking healthier compared to before is not making me happy at all. It makes me want to throw something. I don't like weight comments...I actually think it's rude to comment about one's weight if your opinion isn't asked about it. I haven't been able to wake up early this past week so I wasn't able to go jogging. I'll starve myself again if this pattern doesn't change.

Another thought...I only found out last night that I was supposed to be nicknamed Cheska. My parents were already calling me that when I was a baby but Lolo Jake got mad and he said he didn't want me to use that nickname because there was a new product out called Cheska Bibingka (a local dish that's usually served as a snack and often sold during Christmas season). He didn't like the name because I might be associated with Cheska Bibingka and I'd be teased by people. My grandfather's the reason why I'm known as Nicole. Why, initially, I've never been called Niks, Nic, Nik...I was known as Nicole for the longest time. People only started coining nicknames for me when I was in high school. Quite strange, actually, for some people to call me Niks (which is my nickname to close friends and family).

My lolo and I were never that close. I grew up living with my grandparents, but I wasn't close to him. Though we didn't have a close relationship, we knew each other well. I guess living under the same roof atunes you to how a person is. He knew what I liked and didn't like, and I knew what ticked him off and made him laugh. Okay, NOW I'm feeling a bit sleepy and my brain farts are starting to sound faint. I might as well end here and continue writing about my dearest Lolo Jake some other time. He deserves entirely for him :)