I just need to vent out a bit. I'm a bit peeved with Coby right now since HE LOCKED ME OUT OF THE HOUSE. Yeah. Esther and Tin left early last night so Simon stayed behind because he didn't want to go home yet. We talked about a lot of stuff, usual chika plus a bit more interesting and juicy kwentuhan. Around 12, we decided to go to the Mcdonald's near my house to eat ice cream and to talk some more (Hahaha!). Coby wasn't home too so I sent him a message to leave the gate open since I didn't have a key (it was with him). I got home past 3:30. To my surprise, the lights on our gate were turned off..and..OUR GATE WAS LOCKED. I thought my lola woke up and was being her mean self so she locked me out. Nope. To my surprise, it was my brother who did. You can not imagine how difficult it was to climb over our gate. For those of you who have been to my house, you'd agree that with my limited upper body strength, plus my weak legs, it would definitely be hard for me to do that. Thank God I was just so determined to get inside the house that I was able to climb over. Pahirapan. I thought my ordeal was over. But noooo...OUR MAIN DOOR WAS LOCKED, TOO. I wasn't even sure if Coby was home since he told me that he'd be home a bit late. But yeah, he was home..asleep. He got home earlier than I did (obviously). I was trying to wake him up pero ang hirap niya gisingin. I was really being very nice but 15 minutes outside his window with all the mosquitos feasting on me already made me quite irritable already. Of course I had to make my voice louder for him to wake up..and he got mad. Great! I took another 10 minutes before he finally got up from his bed and opened the door. We had an argument, and in the end I won. He said I should've been nicer when I was trying to wake him up. Hello?????? I was trying to wake him up ng maayos for 15 effing minutes pero hindi pa rin siya magising. I had no choice but to make my voice louder so he'd wake up. Whatever talaga.

Okay, I just needed to vent out. I'm fine now.

random shrandom

- My interview at Ipsos Philippines yesterday went well. I hope the company will accept me..Lord I really do hope I get a decent job soon.

- The Hands On Manila Foundation orientation last night was quite interesting. Tintin and I didn't submit our volunteer forms yet because we're still thinking about what program to join. After the orientation, we had dinner at Mr. Rockefeller and talked about a lot of stuff...our hinanakit with the Institute of Poleco, etc..Hahaha! Kasi naman....

- I'm so excited with what I'm going to do for Haribon. Ma'am Beechie, the person I'm reporting to, tasked me to make the new research design for the organization's study on the viability of using green charcoal. Yeeeeesss...You guys have no idea how stoked I am to use my brain for something academic again.

- Seed friends are coming over for dinner tomorrow. Yay! :) I haven't seen Simon in 3 weeks, Esther and Tin in 3 months, and Michiko in...umm..2 years. Hahahaha! I changed my mind about what I'm going to serve. Instead of Thai food, I'll be cooking Spanish food. Next time na lang yung Thai theme.

- I need to buy my own tool box for baking utensils. The kitchen's getting a bit too cramped with all our stuff. Can I just say, I want my own refrigerator din. Kahit a small one lang.

the OC....attack.

I'm fixing up my room again! Yes. OC attack again. I realized that I really wasn't able to get rid of all the clutter in my room when I slowly discovered old readings, notebooks, and the like in almost every area of my little domain. I'm actually thinking about rearranging the beds, tables, and bookshelf. How am I going to manage to do that? I don't know. Hahahaha! No, maybe I won't...but I'm pretty sure that a lot of things could be done to make my room cleaner and more organized. It's not that my room is messy. It's more of me getting rid of old things that I didn't want to let go of because of either sentimental reasons, or for the usual "I-might-need-this-someday" excuse. Other than taking out the trash, so to speak, I have to figure out what are the things that need to be repaired..like my printer, for example. I haven't used it in a year and a half. I'm scared to turn it on and to try using it again because of the possible dust explosion that will happen if I do so. I might as well have it repaired and cleaned so that I can use it again.

Besides my room, I will have to clean our study room too. My lolo has given me the task of spearheading Operation Linis Bahay--meaning after the study room, we'll be cleaning the garage, lolo's "trophy room," the dining room, and the kitchen. YES. I think my lolo was able to come up with that brilliant idea because he noticed all I've been doing is bake, deliver orders, attend job interviews, attend discipleship and accountability meetings..and that's about it. Well, I have been cooking for the family again...not as often as I used to, but still. I haven't quite gotten to starting Operation Linis Bahay yet since I'm concentrated on making over my room. With four cabinets to organize, with shelves to stack with books and binders, and drawers to clear out...I think it'll take maybe three more days before I'll even be able to plan out how we're going to organize the entire house.

...I wish I had my OC attacks during the day, like maybe around 8... and not at 1 a.m.

Oooooh....I have a job interview at 4 p.m later!!!! Yay! Aaaaaand...I'm going to attend the Hands On Manila Foundation orientation for new volunteers tomorrow, and Youth TRiP's LAKWATSYA event on Friday with Tintin. Pluuus...If one more person votes for this Saturday, my gradeschool friends are coming over again for dinner at my house. The menu: Thai food! :) Maybe for our next dinner get-together I'll be serving Jamaican food. Anyway..I have a month to think about that pa naman.

It's just been a week since I last blogged, but I feel like a month has already passed by without me writing an entry. I guess I've been trying to control myself from just posting one and spilling the beans on everything that has happened in the past two weeks. For one thing, I don't really need to blog about everything. I've learned that blog entries are really subjective in the sense that people can interpret it in whatever way they want...even if their interpretation is so far off from what you were trying to say. So it's best to be careful and just blog about the safe stuff..though that defeats the purpose of a blog, di ba? I mean, your blog is supposed to be your journal so nothing should really stop you from writing whatever you want to write about. But no. The cruel reality that people can respond negatively to your entry makes one careful about what he/she is going to write about. So what's the point of having a blog when you can't totally purge? Wala lang :) It's fun to have a blog. As simple as that. When you just want to go on rambling about whatever, even if you leave out a few details--it's still cathartic.

However, I will still blog about how the past two weeks have been for me. Well...the past two weeks have been...amazing :) It's weird that I won't give my usual answer that things are just steady with me right now. Actually, each day I'm just surprised as to how I've been responding to circumstances and to people. Like recently, I thought my financial crisis would be over after this week (yay for me dapat)...until the two phone bills arrived. Good Lord...All I could say was, "What was I thinking???" Yeah. I was so floored with how much I have to pay (again). I've given up my post-paid account with Globe so at least that's out of the picture already. It's just really funny that after I opened both bills and computed how much I have to pay in total, instead of having a panic attack I was just really calm about it. The only thing I could say was, "I think I need to sell more cookies and cupcakes. Okay..I need a game plan." But you know what, God has just been so good. With my recent accountability meetings with Katre, and with what we talked about in our Dgroup meeting..I know that He will be my source of strength to get through this. I'm holding on to Philippians 4:19-20. "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. To our God and Father be glory for ever and ever. Amen." I don't know how, but each day I'm learning that I should just fully trust Him. He's GOD for crying out loud. Quoting Katre from our accountability meeting last week, "Hello?? He created the freakin' universe. He can do ANYTHING."

It just amazes me that really letting go and letting Him consume me has filled me with so much peace, despite everything that has happened in the past few months. It's so humbling to know that no matter how many times I've stumbled, by His grace I am forgiven. Each day is also a struggle, but I'm just in awe with how He is slowly changing my life. Instead of settling for just taking baby steps, I've been deciding to take leaps in the decisions I've made the past two weeks.

Just...amazing :)

40 minutes

40 minutes before my flight...I'm at the airport now...lapit na!! :) I'm so excited to see my family. Plus, I'm going somewhere far away...more time to think. Hopefully when I go back to Manila this Monday, recharged na ako :)

why oh why, Lorna?!?!?!?

Kinain ni Lorna ang cream cheese. Yung last cream cheese. 1/4 bar na nga lang, kinain pa. Sabi ko nga wag galawain eh...Pero kinain pa rin. Kung mura lang sana ang cream cheese..but no. Php 118.75 ang pinakamurang cream cheese na matino. Wahahahaha alam pa talaga presyo. So paano na yung icing para sa cupcakes na order ni Mon??? Goodluck na lang..hay...why oh why, Lorna talaga....

Wow nagblog lang ako dahil kay Lorna and sa cream cheese. Hahahahaha!

Katre and I were just about to part ways after our accountability session this afternoon when I got a text message from my dad. "Pray for mom, she was diagnosed with pneumonia. Instructd no work and complete bedrest." I couldn't believe what I was reading. My mom was sick. My mom never gets sick.

When I got home, I just couldn't take it anymore. I cried. I prayed. I cried while I was praying. I was just praying for my mom that she'd be okay soon.

A few minutes ago I got a text message from my lola. My dad's starting to get sick, too. He's been spending so much time in the farm, plus with all the gulo that's been going on over the land--meetings with the other party, court hearings, etc...everything's just starting to take a toll on his body already.

Coby called up lolo to tell him that he's going home to Bukidnon with him this Friday. On my way home, lolo was trying to call me but I didn't notice my phone so I called him up when I got home. He asked if I was going to Bukidnon this Friday, and I said yes. I don't think my mom knows we're going home. My lolo informed my dad that we're going there this Friday, but not to tell mama to surprise her.

My only prayer now is that my parents will be okay...

random

- I need more orders for this week..20 more, I think.

- I'm excited for this Saturday because friends are coming over again. Yay! Wala na akong pera para gumimik so I told them they could just visit me here at home and hang out.

- The past couple of days have been so tiring..Thank God I've been getting more sleep. Would you believe I had 9 hours of sleep last night? Hahahaha

- My interview with Haribon is next week.

-How long will this last? I don't know. Kung hanggang kailan okay na, I guess.

-Katre...please be nice :) Hahaha! Lunch date tomorrow with my discipler...accountability meeting. Actually, ako naman ang nag-request talaga na we meet this week..hahaha! I'm just really nervous with what's going to happen.

-Should I also start selling carrot cakes? I mean, it's pretty easy naman...Hmmmm....

I woke up this morning after less than an hour of sleep. Instead of being annoyed that I wasn't able to get a decent shut-eye, I was sort of at peace. I was quiet. Everything was just calm. It wasn't the eerie type of silence. It felt like something was going to happen today, yet the silence was just very calming.

As I was lying down on my bed, I knew that today's the day that I would have to make the decision to take a leap and not just baby steps. And something did happen. As much as I didn't want it to reach that point, or as much as I didn't want any kind of conflict to happen, nangyari pa rin. I guess going back to my earlier post, "Ganun siguro yun..kailangan wala na talagang options para lang matuto ako".

I'm finding it difficult to express exactly how I'm feeling right now. It's not that I'm at a loss for words. The words are there. I just don't have the strength to write everything down or say what I'm feeling because I'm still absorbing everything that's happened today.

...It doesn't feel great na sabihan ka ng ganun. Parang kasi kinasusuklaman ka pag sabihan ka na ng ganun.

Seppi and Simon just left my house 20 minutes ago. They were here from 8:30 p.m until 3:30ish. Thank God they were able to visit me here at home. I just love it when I have friends come over for dinner, or whatever. I actually enjoy the process of having to prepare the food for them. Yung tipong pagdecide kung ano yung food, pagprepare ng ingredients, cooking, setting up the dinner table, etc.. Feeling ko I got my love for hosting get-togethers from my mom. Hahahaha! Anyway...It's quite fun to just hang out at home, and have talkathons. It's been a while since I last saw them, and I'm really happy that I was able to spend my Saturday night with good friends :) Nakaka-relax, in a way. I wasn't stressing over orders, and just for a few hours I was able to just not think about the stuff that've been bothering me lately.

I've been friends with Seppi and Simon since the 4th grade. More than a decade of friendship :) A lot of people are actually surprised that I'm still in touch with my grade school friends; more so that I'm still quite close with them. Though we all went to different high schools and colleges, I guess as we grew up, so did our friendship. I mean, for a time we didn't really talk nor see each other that much. It'd take more than a year before we would see each other again. But everytime we would meet up, it'd be like we never really spent that much time apart.

I'm really excited because they're coming over again this coming Saturday. Same thing--dinner and great conversations :) Hopefully, our other friends will be able to join us para mas fun :) I mean, fun naman tonight pero mas masaya pag mas marami :)

Okay..so maiba naman..I woke up after lunch yesterday feeling a bit off..I dunno. I felt like the day didn't start out right. I fell asleep around 3:30 a.m and I woke up past noon already. You'd think I'd feel relaxed since I had more than 8 hours of sleep. But no. I woke up na sobrang bigat ng feeling. Alam ko naman na wala na akong magagawa sa mga bagay na nangyari na, pero it's hard not to feel bad. Instead of feeling bad and sulking the entire day, I decided that I'd have to do something about my situation. A plan of action won't really do anything if wala namang action, di ba? BUT...before I formulated my plan, I had to analyze each of my problems: finances, health, and my once-in-a-while-depression-due-to-feeling-useless-because-I'm-still-unemployed drama. My problem with my finances can only be solved if I keep on baking cookies and cupcakes. But I can't overwork myself with orders because I might get hospitalized. Sobra akong nagkakasakit when I'm stressed--either I have panic attacks resulting to me hyperventilating a lot, or I have asthma attacks. My once-in-a-while-depression-due-to-feeling-useless-because-I'm-still-unemployed drama happens when I'm just stuck at home doing nothing, or minsan nararamdaman ko na pagbebenta ng cookies and cupcakes ang tanging patutunguhan ng buhay ko. And kung tutuusin..my problems/issues don't just affect solely me. Pati ibang tao apektado. Nase-stress and/or naaabala ang ibang tao dahil sa problema ko. My family and close friends also bear the brunt of dealing with my crap.

So..ganito: I've already figured out my system with yung orders ng cookies and cupcakes. Just check my multiply blog for the policies . Hahaha yes naman may policies talaga..kailangan eh. Anyway..yeah, I need a system para I wouldn't be stressed out with too many orders in a day. Kung gusto ko ng mamatay sa stress, okay lang sige ipagpapatuloy ko yung ginagawa kong more than 15 orders (i.e. more than 15 boxes of cookies/cupcakes) a day. Pero I don't want to be hospitalized again, and I don't want my asthma to get worse kasi ang mahaaaal mahal ng gamot. And yes, I need to learn how to not put too much pressure on myself. I tend to think too much about a certain problem or issue, then I end up stressing a lot over it. Okay..going back to my order system..A maximum of 15 orders a day would help me solve my financial problems..and after I've resolved that, I'd have a sort of steady source of income while I'm not working yet. Another thing I've figured out as regards my financial brouhaha..cellphone expenses. I've decided to switch to using a prepaid line. I can't cut my post-paid account kasi wala pang 2 years ang account ko..So I told my mom I'll send her my post-paid sim para mawalan ng temptation to use it again. Starting today, I'll be using my new prepaid line :) My phone bills are just so high. Supposedly 800 lang bill ko every month..umaabot ng...times 7. Yes. My credit card usage issue..medyo resolved na. I gave my credit card to my lola and asked her to keep it--no wait--hide it. The probability of using it when going out is high, since I don't have that much cash to spend kasi..hello naman, wala pa akong trabaho and malamang after grad no more allowance. Karumaldumal naman kung humingi pa ako ng pera sa magulang ko, di ba? Pero parang ganun din kasi gumagamit ako ng credit card--na extension ng card ng mom ko. Ang pangit ng feeling na ma-realize na I've been acting like a spoiled brat tapos ngayon unti-unting pinapamulat na "Hello. Welcome to the real world. You won't get things for free. You need to work for it. Paghirapan mo, bwisit!" So with limited cash, I would have to learn how to budget my money kasi being unemployed, like my eggs--cash as of now is a nonrenewable resource. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry..it's 5 a.m and verbal diarrhea na itech. Pero seriously. Hindi joke. Struggle ito para sa akin. ITO PA. Kailangan ko na talagang seryosohin na bawas-bawasan ko na paggamit ng car. Rrawr!!! Nung na-realize ko na hindi ko pa napapanindigan yung sinabi kong magcocommute na lang ako para hindi sayang sa gas, seryoso nairita talaga ako sa sarili ko. Kahit nag-rollback ang price ng gas, mahal pa rin eh!!! And ang kapal na talaga ng pagmumukha ko na gumamit ng kotse tapos hindi naman ako ang gumagastos para sa gas. As of now, this is all talk and SANA talaga may gawin na ako. Yeah, baby steps muna but there are times I wish I'd take leaps instead. Oh yeah nga pala...My feeling-useless-drama will soon be resolved kasi while wala pa akong job, I'll be doing volunteer work for the Haribon Foundation. Mostly research work, I think. Buti na lang their office is in Cubao, so pwedeng mag-MRT na lang ako. Ayan. Hindi ko kailangan magdala ng car. And magbabaon na lang ako para di ko kailangan bumili ng lunch. And. Magdadala ako ng mug. Siguro naman may kape sila doon. Hahahaha! Buti na lang wala ang lola ko dito kasi wala akong mahihingian ng pera. Nahihiya rin ako humingi ng pera sa lolo ko so no choice talaga. Ganun siguro yun..kailangan wala na talagang options para lang matuto ako.

I think I should post a sign on my wall in my room na nakasulat "This is just the beginning of your rude awakening to the real world...Stop complaining. Start acting like an adult, for crying out loud" Para whenever I start to feel frustrated and start to complain again, I'd just look at the sign para mahiya naman ako sa sarili ko. Kung tutuusin naman kasi...my problems are far less complicated than the problems of other people..na tipong kailangan ko naman mahiya na I often complain about my problems pero ibang tao naman, higit naman na mas malaki ang problema pero hindi nagaapura. Yes, I need to stop acting like a whiny spoiled brat.

Yun lang :) Hahahaha parang ang konti ng nasulat ko..parang lang naman.

eto na

I FEEL FAT. Hahahaha! This is why I don't like it when it rains and I don't have money.

1) I can't go out much unless it's a legit lakad so that I have a set budget for the day. Come to think of it, I should always have a set budget for each time I go out. But I don't. That's why I don't have money now. Hahahaha yes magaling talaga ako sa mga ganyang bagay. Kaya my message to myself: Learn how to budget your money kasi mahirap ang buhay ngayon. And please. You're an adult. This is just the start of your rude awakening to something called..umm..THE REAL WORLD.

2) It's bad enough that on a normal sunny day I don't do much at home, it's worse when it rains because I really don't do anything anymore. Other than stare at the computer almost the entire day and search for whatever's on the internet, I eat. I'm trying to avoid watching t.v because I've started watching shows that should be avoided. Seriously, no one should watch Newport Harbor. Nakakababa ng IQ 20points/second. I think my case of boredom is bad na, since I've actually become fascinated with that show. Scary. Plus, I've started watching Wowowee everyday with the helpers while eating lunch. Hahahahahahahaha!!!! These are the signs I should be doing something else. I should be doing something ala-Martha Stewart siguro.

3) I feet fat. Why? Because I'm doing nothing and I've been eating relatively more food. And I'm often hungry...which is weird. I've also been craving for Razon's halu-halo and sizzling bulalo, Gerry's Grill sisig, super crispy galunggong with rice and tomatoes tapos isasawsaw sa toyo, mozarella sticks, the sandwich I usually buy at Pastry Passion (I forgot what it's called..but it's soooo good! I think it has spice tuna, cheese, apple slices, lettuce..and the bread used is a croissant), spaghetti, chicken parmigiana, caldereta, and Mister Kabab's special chelo kabab. Hahahahaha kababuyan. So that I won't pig out anymore, I started looking through my old multiply albums last night..to remind me why I shouldn't be eating too much. Hahahaha! Please. Wag nang buhayin si Nora/Danilo. The world can only have one Nora, and Danilo is just..no, hindi siya dapat bumangon pa. Hahahahahaha!

I should have a plan of action now. Gawin ko nga mamaya. After dinner. Hahahaha!

I fear Nora

I've been stuck at home for a week already. With nothing much to do, I've resorted to munching on whatever I find in the kitchen. After eating dinner, I suddenly felt sick. I had a sudden realization that if I don't stop...babalik si Nora. That CAN'T happen.