got my wish

This is a repost of an entry I made about a couple of months ago entitled 'one wish'

I wish I knew how he really felt so I wouldn't feel like there wasn't any closure to what happened. That's the thing with me, I always need closure--like a defining conversation where things are laid out...I don't need to speculate afterwards what the other person is feeling. Ugh why do I need this?!? Is it really a need, or just something I think I need. Or maybe I already know the answer and I just haven't accepted it yet. This is making my head hurt.


I got my wish yesterday. No, it wasn't the defining conversation I thought I needed. I finally found out the name of his girlfriend. Weird. I never thought it would be that easy to feel relieved. For the longest time, he'd just refer to her as 'the gf', never mentioning her name. I was actually a bit surprised it wasn't the girl I thought he was with. I don't even know the new beau, haha!

I've been dwelling on the closure I needed without even thinking that maybe I should be looking at his actions which should have been very clear indicators of how he felt/feels about me. Yeah, maybe there was something there. Was. Past tense. Surprisingly, it doesn't even hurt. I'm actually quite frankly happy that this is finally over--speculating, assuming, whatever. I've been wanting to move forward, full steam ahead, but I've been held back by that irrational need of mine to have 'closure' even if the answer was already staring at me. I say it's irrational because too much rationalizing is just going to make things more confusing. Add a not-so-broken-yet-still-confused heart, now you have a situation that'll just give you severe migraines....

Giddy that this is finally, finally, FINALLY over :)